Long live the Power Rangers

Mike Geer

My Saturday mornings as a child started like this: trot downstairs, grab a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and an ice cold glass of milk, and plop down in front of the TV to watch the greatest heroes alive, a.k.a. the Power Rangers. I aspired to be just like them, with their ruthless space-judo fighting style and their commitment to fighting evil.

After their lustrous lives as television heroes, many Rangers went on to become doctors, lawyers, and suburban moms. Yet unlike the rest of the show’s cast, Skylar DeLeon, also known as the Green and White Ranger, became a convicted felon.

While attempting to steal a couple’s yacht in late November, DeLeon ran into troubles and had to dispose of the yacht’s owners.

In other words, he tied the couple to an anchor and threw them into the ocean.

Insane, you say? Perhaps I am making this all up in a feeble attempt to entertain you? You would be mistaken.

I know from at least three semi-reliable sources that my childhood hero is indeed a murderer, yet I admire his creativity. How many other notorious criminals have killed their victims by binding them to their own anchor? None, that’s how many. Capone’s got nothing on this.

After the numerous hours of sitting in front of the television and learning all the moves to fight evil, I would have never thought that my favorite green ranger would turn over to the dark side. My hopes and dreams of becoming the Green Ranger have now dwindled to a distant memory. I have to focus my admiration on bigger and better dreams like being president, going into space, or becoming the Red Ranger.

As heartbroken as I am, many children these days will not even shed a tear. Instead, they fill their time turning their brains to mush with nonsensical programs like Yo Gabba Gabba and Wonder Pets.

Please. These broadcasts are brainwashing children, while offering zero fighting skills and no references to Dinozords. I am ashamed to say that the once prestigious honor of knowing every single character of every Power Ranger series just doesn’t matter anymore. Times have changed, and I need to change with them. Time to start memorizing Wonder Pets characters…