Millions of years ago, a great race of pioneers wandered into the great unknown and stumbled upon America, land of plenty. We call these brave souls today the pilgrims, and we are grateful because they gave us Thanksgiving. The pilgrims had an idea when they left their homeland and struck out bravely into the wild. They wanted to create something: a holiday that allows one to scare lesser humans by his or her ability to consume food.

Just like at the very first Thanksgiving, we slaughter millions of turkeys all across the nation and eat boxed stuffing to show appreciation (some people make their own stuffing, commonly known as “treasonists”).

Besides stuffing, turkey, and other food, the main point of Thanksgiving is mashed potatoes. With mashed potatoes, happiness is literally limitless because the more things you put in them the better they get. Butter? One pound minimum. Chives? Couldn’t tell you what they taste like, but hey, why not. Salt? Pepper? Undoubtedly. Bacon? I’ve never found something that worsens by adding bacon. Baked Potato? Nothing tastes better than redundancy (except redundancy with bacon, like a ham and bacon sandwich).

Seriously though, people often forget the part of Thanksgiving they can’t see just by looking at the table. Often times my family keeps the pie in the oven until after the main course is finished; we are a warm pie family.

Basically, Thanksgiving is the greatest thing to happen to America ever, along with Ronald Reagan, Independence Day, and creating our own sport named football. This Thanksgiving, do your country proud: finish your meal, finish your second meal, throw on Top Gun, and thank the original pilgrim, Uncle Sam.