Eggnog – Posh or Plebian?
A cliche staged photo of eggnog attempts to fool the common folk.
December 18, 2020
The Virtuous Nature of a Blessed Beverage
By Nick Marinaro
I had my first glass of Eggnog of the Christmas season last night, and it was, in a word, magnificent. Vibrantly viscous, charmingly creamy: Eggnog’s thick consistency is one that delights refined drinkers. However, among the crude, it is off-putting; its excellence scares them. These people are hereby to be considered peons. If one cannot appreciate the satisfying richness of a glass of Eggnog, I do not know them. They cannot be trusted. That is the main grievance cited in most people’s argument against eggnog, the other being the flavor. Some say it is not sweet enough. For this I blame the toxic nature of industrialism. Just 100 years ago, sugar was a luxury. To some, this may be shocking, as sugar is as culturally ingrained in America as freedom and liberty. The very greed of people who ask for a drink to be sweeter than eggnog is inexcusable. These people lack a sense of delicacy; they wouldn’t know flavor unless it walked through their front door and smacked them across the face with a cast-iron skillet. The flavor of eggnog is brilliant: a beautiful cacophony of nutmeg, milk, sugar, and egg. Beyond enjoyment in its purest (and in my opinion, rightful) form: chilled in a glass, eggnog can be added to coffee or used as an ingredient in a latté. A creation as beautiful as eggnog mustn’t be questioned, lest we lose our heads and begin to question all beauty. What is next? The Mona Lisa? Michelangelo’s David? Frozen Pizza?
The Unfortunate Realities of a Dismal Drink
By George Wolfe
Anyone that has ever been unfortunate enough to have a glass of eggnog knows there is nothing worse. You get lured in by the smell, thinking, “Oh, this cold glass smells like Christmas”; the aroma filling your nose with chemical nutmeg and other chemically induced “delicious” smells engulf you. This trick only lasts until the eggnog hits your lips: the sticky, thick, texture allows you to almost chew opposed to drinking. As you sit there choking it down your throat you think why in the world I would ever let myself do this? Not only are you suffocating in a scented mucus, you feel the stress of your peers to finish the entire glass. The others “enjoying” a glass with you sit and talk about how great it is; they are simply filling the table with mindless conversation in hopes of “fitting in.” Not me. Unlike the passage above I chose not to search through a thesaurus and fill your mind with unnecessary adjectives in hopes of distracting you from the horrific taste that is eggnog; rather, I’m simply here to speak the truth. The genuine eggnog drinkers in this world have been brainwashed by the so-called “Christmas Spirit” that is this winter season. It is finally time to break through this mirage and out of the grasp of the sheep that still follow the corrupt lifestyle that is drinking eggnog.
