Aries: March 21-April 20: The Ram

Aries fall in love the way you fall asleep in Math class: slowly, then all at once. You are courageous, aggressive, and face problems head on, so this Valentine’s day, you will confront your crush using a candy heart that says, “Marry me.” After all, you’re optimistic, and this Valentine’s Day it’s time to find out. Stay far away from candle-lit dinners and rings, because according to Wikipedia, you can’t handle fire or metal objects without injuring yourself.

Taurus: April 21-May 21: The Bull

Being a Taurus makes you are a persistent little bugger. You work hard to get what you want in life. Use this internal perseverance to relentlessly flirt with your bae until they give in and spend a lovely evening at White Castle with you on Valentine’s Day. As surprising as it sounds, your bae may not know that they’re your bae, and since you have excellent stamina, make sure the flirting is persistent and obvious. Taurus are known for their lethargy at times, so it is completely acceptable to spend the day lying in your bed listening to Celine Dion or her male counterpart: Kanye.

Gemini: May 22-June 21: The Twins

Geminis’ planet is Mercury, the closest planet to the sun, which probably also makes it the hottest of the planets. So if you think about it, that makes Geminis the hottest people. Whether you consider yourself attractive or not, work your inner Mercury this Valentine’s Day. Find a man/woman/Netflix show with as much enthusiasm, intellect, and wit as you to binge watch. The Gemini sign is the Twins, because you are moody and you usually find yourself stuck choosing between two things, so don’t waste too much time deciding which man/woman/Netflix show to take on a date this Valentine’s Day.

Cancer: June 22-July 22: The Crab

Sorry not sorry, but Cancer is by far the best symbol of the Zodiac. Celebrities who also have this Zodiac symbol include Will Ferrell, Meryl Streep, Michael Phelps, Leo Driessen, Khloe Kardashian; basically all of the greats. We Cancers have tight groups of friends whom we develop close intimate relationships with, so this Valentine’s Day, some of you may spend a night having a craycray slumber party with your besties. I do realize that not everyone is a 12-year-old girl, so for the rest of you Cancers, you’re a bunch of romantics. Figure it out yourself.

Leo: July 23-August 22: The Lion

Even though my Zodiac allegiances lie with Cancer, I still know a thing or two about being a Leo. Leo means lion in some language or another, so this Valentine’s day when you’re casually sipping out of the watering hole or taking a load off on pride rock, you’re going to turn your swag on–it’s our problem free philosophy–approach your Simba or Nala and sweep them off their paws with your husky lion roar. Have fun and enjoy your Valentine’s Day on a double date with Timon and Pumba, or maybe even have Zazu third wheel.

Virgo: August 23-September 22: The Virgin

Virgo’s are always on the go, so this Valentine’s Day, it’s time to take a chill pill. While relaxing and reflecting, you may find out something new about yourself. This could be a hidden talent, a different personality, or a new favorite Kardashian. This will not be the only discovery you make this Valentine’s day; you will also discover something that may come as a shock to you from a loved one. If you think I made this one up as I went along, you would be gravely mistaken. I just understand the universe on a much more psychological level than most after studying a zoomed in picture of the moon on my iPhone, and catching the vibes that the universe was sending me.

Libra: September 23-October 22: The Scales

Libras are the most balanced of all the Zodiac signs, but sometimes this balance is upset, and you get thrown off of your game. This Valentine’s Day, you need to maintain a balance between your sugar intake and your real food intake. Trust me, I’ve been there too, with an upset stomach and candy wrappers as far as the eye can see. Before Valentine’s Day, I want you to practice turning down sweets by opening and closing the refrigerator saying “No thank you, refrigerator. I am a strong independent Libra who don’t need no corn syrup.” You can, however still have one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, three pieces of chocolate, and ten candy hearts. If you receive any superfluous candy, feel free to drop it off at locker #562.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21: The Scorpion

Scorpios are the Slytherins of the Zodiac; you’re ambitious, resentful, and manipulative. If I were a Scorpio/Slytherin, I’d take out my revenge on Harry Potter this Valentine’s Day. He’s stolen your house cup for years just because he apparently saved the entire wizarding world. I guess the point I’m trying to make with this metaphor is that it’s about time that you take revenge on the person who stole your Valentine’s Day crush. By revenge, I mean the small acts of terrorism, like stealing their pencils, bumping into them in the hallways, general shade throwing, or maybe even giving them ambiguous glares that say, “No harsh feelings,” but at the same time say, “Avada Kedavra, you Hufflepuff dingus.”

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21: The Centaur

Sagittari have an animalistic nature. On Valentine’s Day your bravery and craving for sincerity will lead you to find out the ugly truth about the relationship you’re in. You will find out that your partner hasn’t been honest at some point in your relationship, and you will feel some weird High School Musical déja vu. You inevitably break up with your boo and find yourself draped against the lockers singing about how you’ve gotta go your own way, and then dramatically slide into your mom’s car.

Capricorn: December 22-January 21: The Goat (Trust me, this is definitely not a bull.)

I was going to start this horoscope off by saying something Capricorny, but I held myself back. Well Capricorns, most of you are introverts and if you’re not introverted, chances are you’re single. Instead of giving you a relationship-based horoscope, I’ve decided to give you a list of the things you will inevitably be doing this Valentine’s Day just to show you how in touch I am with the universe. The first is sleeping in late. The second is feeling unmotivated and lazy. The third is a tidal wave of loneliness crashing down on you.

Aquarius: January 21-February 19: The Water Bearer

Aquarius? More like Aquaryessss, am I right? It is currently your time of the year so for all you Aquari out there, I want you to party like it’s 1999, or ‘98, or ‘97, or whenever you were born. Your symbol is a bucket pouring out water, and my interpretation is that you either are an optimistic source of knowledge, honesty, and insight, or you have a serious bladder condition, in which case you should really get that checked out. After seeing your doctor, just go out and have a good time this Valentine’s Day. This is the only fun holiday within your month besides George Washington’s Birthday, which will obviously be a major turn up, but you’ve got to admit, St. Valentine is bae.

Pisces: February 20-March 20: The Fish

I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The good news it that you are mysterious, compassionate, accepting, imaginative, and occasionally psychic, which practically makes you a catch. The bad news is that I despise fish with a burning passion, but I guess that I hope you stay alive because you do get a little odiforous when your corpse washes up on the beach. Because I strongly dislike fish so much, I hope that you get a candy heart that says “Gut me.” No one likes a pesky Pisces. On that note, Happy Valentine’s Day, Pisces. Stay funky fresh. Astrology out.