Thanksgiving Navigation Guide

For some of us Thanksgiving is a stressful time, with the exorbitant amount of food-intake, the forced interactions with your drunk uncles, and the political minefield stretched across the dinner table. These are the necessary steps to remain alive during the Turkey Day.

Creative Commons Image: Ben Franske

Jimmy Youngblut, Staff Writer
November 21, 2014

  1. Whatever food your family brings, always start with the sweet potatoes. You cannot go wrong with spuds that are covered in melted marshmallows, and in a day in which your diet is eternally resting, what’s the harm in a few extra thousand calories? They look disgusting, but what do they taste like? Like Zeus himself is hand feeding you ambrosia, and best of all, no one ever eats them, which means more for you.

  2. Never, under any circumstances, volunteer to make the gravy. If you want your Thanksgiving to be the cheery, happy affair we all know and love, spare yourself the pain and nightmare of learning what goes into gravy. It’s basically as difficult as building a lego set without the directions, and even though your uncle makes it look easy, we all know it is not. And when you screw up, everyone will hate you for making mashed potatoes even more disappointing.

  3. Never talk politics. During this stress–laden day, the one thing that will tear your family apart is this touchy topic. Unless you are a family of robots, someone will end up insulting an entire nation-state or swearing allegiance to long-dead historical figures, and it will result in a silence that is like riding in a never-ending elevator with strangers. Nothing is worse than creating a feud between you and your aunt’s side of the family that lasts until Christmas through increasingly passive aggressive Facebook posts.

  4. Buns, loaves, rolls. If you aren’t big on Thanksgiving grub, then bread is the thing for you. It’s simple, filling, and goes great with a variety of spreads and jams. Whether it’s French baguettes, Hawaiian King Rolls, or the timeless Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, you cannot go wrong with the single trick restaurants use to mock your appetite and make you regret ever ordering food in the first place.

  5. The Kid’s Table. Even if you’re bordering on the brink of adulthood, the best place to be during the main event of Thanksgiving is The Kid’s Table where silent or vocal judgement is always passed without discretion. Kids usually lack filters, and are hyped up from eating the marshmallows in the sweet potatoes. Consequently, this is bound to result in a few funny jests or immature food fights. Bring lots of napkins, and a spare shirt.

  6. When playing a family game of football, always team up with your uncle. He may be completely insane, but you can never go wrong with that crazy man you pretend you’re not related to in public.When you’re out of options and your aunt is inches away from close-lining you, your uncle is the only thing that can stop you from throwing up all over her as she body checks you into the ground. You probably won’t even need to touch the ball anyway––uncles are notorious ball-hogs.

  7. Always finish with a nap. You may think you aren’t tired, but the turkey begs to differ. The day is almost over, your arsenal of conversationally placating lines are exhausted, and you are left feeling as if you weigh five hundred pounds. Even if it means missing the end of an already hopeless Vikings game, sleeping is the best remedy after navigating this mess of a holiday.