As soon as Donald Trump officially announces his presidential candidacy, I’m going to campaign for him.  Stuffing envelopes, making phone calls, knocking on doors, I’ll even tell them I’m fluent in Spanish so they can send me down Lake Street––I am going to do everything in my power to get Trump votes.

Trump is Obama’s ideal opponent: crazy, lacking in qualification, and blissfully unaware of his own lack of intellectual fortitude.  This was part of the winning formula that got Obama the presidency in 2008 (and we didn’t even know how crazy Palin was back then) and I’m excited to see the crazy transferred from the vice-presidential candidate to the presidential one.  And the best part is, Trump’s run is guaranteed; he has already threatened the Republican leadership with running as an independent if he doesn’t get the official nomination, thus splitting the conservative vote.

And he will spilt the vote.  Despite his current lead in the polls, I’m guessing the nomination is going to go to a slightly more moderate Republican who will get the traditional conservative vote, while Trump picks up all of the birthers and tea-partiers (both a force to be reckoned with since, according to Gallup, some 42% of registered Republicans have suspicions about Obama’s birthplace).

With Trump’s comments about staying in Iraq and “take[ing] the oil,” he may get the conservative warmonger vote too; and, when you couple his staunch pro-medicare stance with his “most [economists] aren’t very smart” stance, he’s already picked up the elderly vote and the don’t-know-anything-about-economics-Libertarian vote, another two constituencies that the Republican party has long held.

Unfortunately for him, his three wives, lack of experience, and bad combover will rob him of the values-voters, independents, and frat boys who only voted for McCain because of Palin’s… physical qualifications.  Without those final vestiges of support, Trump is doomed to lose, but he’ll steal enough votes to make sure that any Republican running against him will too.

Yes, Trump running is really the best thing to happen to anyone: Obama will keep the presidency, Trump gets another opportunity to build his brand image, and Republicans get keep complaining.