[Satire] Does the FBI Have Dirt on Kevin?


Kevin Kane

Pictured above is the letter I received from the FBI regarding my FOIPA request.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation or the FBI contains and maintains records on millions of individuals in and outside of the United States. You could be one of the millions of records within the organization, regardless of whether or not you have been convicted of a crime. Thankfully, for those curious enough to find out how the government is plotting against them, there is a way to find out if the FBI has a record on you.

To request your personal information from any government organization, you must fill out a Freedom of Information and Privacy Act (FOIPA) form. Previously, this was quite tedious. You were required to fill out a paper form and then mail it to the organization. The FBI overlords have made this process far easier. Now, the process can be done completely online through their eFOIPA website. What a revelation in technology!

Once the form is completed, you will hear back from the FBI via mail, unless you “disappear” before that letter arrives. Given that only you are allowed to open that letter, no one will ever know what you are hiding. If they don’t have anything on you, the letter will state there is no file associated with you, which means you can sleep peacefully at night. However, you may receive a letter asking you to verify your identity before they send you more information. If this occurs, I recommend you book a flight to Argentina promptly before it’s too late.

However high the risk may have been, I took a chance, submitted the FOIPA form and waited behind 5 deadbolts, 3 layers of plywood, and my loaded Nerf Mega Motostryke. Thankfully, the government was relatively uninterested in my activities and I received my letter in the mail roughly a month later. Upon opening, I realized the reason for their hasty reply is their claim to have no information on me, but of course, we know this to be a lie.

If you feel like getting yourself on even more government lists, you can submit a normal FOIPA request, where you can request information on any subject of interest. This can be done on paper or through the eFOIPA website. You can request information on pretty much anything: aliens, Area 51, Joe Biden’s mental state, Trump’s tendency to not report his taxes, and so much more. However, it’s less likely these requests will be fulfilled due to a multitude of reasons, such as the government wanting to protect “trade secrets”. Yeah, like China doesn’t already know. Yet even more alarming is their refusal to provide maps concerning wells–unbelievable.

To those delightful few that have reached the end of this article without the website “breaking” or their signal suddenly going down, I wish you the best of luck in your quest for freedom and justice, but remember, when in doubt, flee the country.