These four seniors have a bone to pick with birds

Its all about the birds.

Mason McGonigle

It’s all about the birds.

The Emu

The Emu is a fascinating bird. With a top speed of 30 mph, a height of 5 feet tall and a weight of almost 90 pounds, they are one of the most incredible species of birds in the world. However, they are imposters. The emu is fascinating for only a second until you learn of the glorious and majestic ostrich, superior in every category that the emu could ever consider itself “great” in; the only downfall… is that they look similar. Ostriches should be able to shine in all of their glory and bask in the light of being the world’s greatest bird, yet they continue to be held back by their dismal distant relative the Emu. For an Emu to go through this world living as if they are not fakes and liars to the general public is quite sickening; they live their lives as clout chasers and clout stealers of the ostrich––never to let anyone forget they are around. It is stomach-turning seeing these wretched creatures blatantly destroy the reputation of the magnificent ostrich. I firmly believe that the Emu should join its late cousin the Dodo Bird in extinction.



They say hate is a strong word, only to be used against one’s mortal enemies. This makes it all the more fitting to apply to my feelings about chickadees, or as I refer to them, the mosquitoes of the bird kingdom. However, unlike mosquitoes, who are seldom able to disrupt human slumber, the chickadee’s shrill and persistent call deprives many of needed sleep in the spring and summer months. At least many birds with maddening calls redeem themselves in their visual appeal. However, the chickadee’s appearance has the same intrigue as a pair of 98-cent Walmart flip flops. Unlike mosquitoes, chickadees do not bite, but at least killing a mosquito can give one a sense of triumph over the useless species. Chickadees, on the other hand, are far too cowardly to come near humans, or else I would kill every last one. I have heard that instead of water torture, they are considering employing the chickadee’s call to interrogate war criminals at Guantanomo bay. I’m sure it is much more effective, but I personally think it is far too cruel. The only upside of the winter in Minnesota is the absence of chickadees, as they are too weak of little snowflakes to endure the cold. Although some may wish them extinct, I think it is a far greater punishment for them to wallow in their useless existence.



Although there has been only 1 documented human death by cassowary since 2003, over 150 brutal attacks have been perpetrated by this flightless beast.”

— Jackie Bucaro

By this time, I am certain we’re all aware of the kaleidoscope of failures that is Australia. The deplorable emu is already found on the godforsaken island nation, and to make the situation worse, so is the cassowary. The cassowary looks similar to an emu-turkey-buffalo-shag rug hybrid, as if God himself had a seizure during the fifth day of creation. And that’s not even considering the dinosaur-like horn atop its head, which presumably takes the place of a brain. You’d think such a heinously hideous creature would be small and easy to remove from your field of vision, but alas, the cassowary’s smallest size is 3.3 feet long. And that’s a dwarf cassowary. If you’d prefer to avert your eyes from the offense and walk away from a cassowary, I understand completely; unfortunately, you won’t be fast enough to escape. The cassowary can run at an alarming speed of 50 kilometers per hour. Don’t expect this monstrosity to run away from you–no, the cassowary is known for its vicious attacks against humans and is often labeled “The World’s Most Dangerous Bird.” Although there has been only 1 documented human death by cassowary since 2003, over 150 brutal attacks have been perpetrated by this flightless beast. Oh, yeah–it can’t fly, which makes a bad situation even worse. Unless you happen to have better wings than a speeding shag rug with eyes of brimstone and hellfire, there’s no getting away from the cassowary.


Sure, Australia as a whole typically makes the worst of things when it comes to animals, and birds that make noises are more annoying than birds that don’t, but what makes a bird the worst bird? I’d like to suggest that–while there are many categories that would help us discern which birds have the most unfavorable traits or are the worst in each category to select a universal worst bird–the turkey is actually the worst bird, for the sole reason that it is not the worst in any one specific category. They just suck. It’s like walking into a Subway when you really wanted Jimmy Johns–that’s how I feel about turkeys (in relation to chickens). The fact that we have a whole holiday, one about being thankful nonetheless revolving around and glorifying this sorry excuse of a bird really makes me wonder where we went wrong as a country. How am I supposed to be thankful for a turkey? They walk around so pompous, despite doing nothing but gathering near highways and intersections. Turkeys are mean, too––get chased by a turkey once and tell me you’re not scared of them too. Maybe I do have a vendetta against turkeys, (although don’t get me wrong animated baby turkeys melt my cold, dead heart) but vendetta or no, they just kind of all-around suck. They’re not even good to eat––they taste dry and entitled. Turkeys are just Walmark peacocks and the disappointment alone is enough to make them literally the worst bird.