Tater tot hot dish

As a staple of the Minnesotan diet, Taher’s tater tot hot dish features an exceptional balance between well-cooked meat and perfectly crispy tater tots. All sadness can be cured by tater tot hot dish. It’s like science. Studies have also found this meal to be somewhat effective as an antidepressant.

Ranking: 9/10

Grilled cheese w/ tomato soup

This is a classic American dish. I’m happy to enjoy it whenever I see it on the menu. The only complaint I have is that the spoons they have for the soup are too small.

Ranking: 8/10

Waffles w/strawberries

Waffles for lunch? Can I get a heck yeah? First of all, waffles are objectively the best breakfast food, and breakfast food is objectively better than all other food groups, so using the transitive property (shoutout to Algebra II) we can conclude that waffles are the climax of human achievement. Throw on some strawberries, syrup, and whipped cream, and you’ve got yourself not only a meal, but the experience of a lifetime.  

Ranking: 10/10

Pizza

Pizza is renowned for being a truly amazing food that is impossible to mess up. Apparently, Taher feels like challenging that rule. Every time I get pizza, I think that maybe this is the time they put enough sauce on it or cook it enough or make the crust actually taste like something. But alas Taher’s pizza has not lived up to its potential.

Ranking: 5/10

Cheeseburger

Taher’s cheeseburgers are the Ted Cruz of lunches. They’re just kind of there. Nobody really likes them or pays much attention to them, and if you took a closer look, you’d realize that there’s really no substance to it. It’s just kind of a sad, tasteless embodiment of despondency.

Ranking: 2/10

Chicken-Fried Steak

You wake up early on a Thursday and find that your motivation to finish the week has promptly ran out. You lethargically get ready for school, and the thought of staying awake for the next seven hours repulses you to your core. But then you realize that it’s the first Thursday of the month, and if you go to BSM, you know exactly what that means. It means that you get to sink your teeth into the most legendary, one-of-a-kind meal BSM has to offer. Even if you’re like me and have no idea what “chicken fried” means or why the bread served is served stale, you can still enjoy this luxurious delicacy.

Ranking: 10/10

Pretzels

Everyone loves a warm, soft pretzel in the middle of a day of hard work. Luckily, BSM gives us access to this wonderful snack. The only problem is that these pretzels are saltier than Marshall’s football team after BSM beat them in the semifinals of State. Shoutout to Eric Wilson. The intense saltiness ruins the experience for me as I have to create a pile of salt large enough to be a significant US export.

Ranking: 6/10

Nachos

Nachos are the culmination of everything good about Mexican food: chips, meat, peppers, spices, salsa, and anything else you can think of. Obviously, you wouldn’t expect a school to go all out on nachos, but BSM’s nachos are so bland that an Englishman wouldn’t enjoy them.

Ranking: 4/10

Salad bar

Luckily for the students who want to include a healthy salad into their meal, Taher offers a somewhat-comprehensive salad bar. I would love to review the quality of the actual salad, but unfortunately, I’ve never actually eaten from the salad bar because it’s so damn expensive. $4.25 for a salad!? Seriously, Taher? Do you want me to go broke?

Ranking: 3/10

Hash browns

I get about four of these per week because it is the best breakfast option by far, and I wouldn’t have breakfast otherwise. These hash browns are always crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside, and seasoned to perfection. This is the absolute perfect way to start your morning.

Ranking: 10/10