The Hug Lyfe

BSM’s thespian community is known for spontaneously bursting into jazz hands, choreogragraphing during math class and apparently, exercising excessive, plutonic signs of affection for one another.

Theater+kids+just+can%27t+keep+their+hands+off+of+junior+Leo+Driessen.

Marley Rozman

Theater kids just can't keep their hands off of junior Leo Driessen.

The BSM theater department has a deep, dark secret, and no, I’m not talking about the underfunding or the prop room. I’m here to expose an even deeper and darker secret: The Hugs. Stay with me, dear reader.

Hugging is the Ebola of the BSM theater department: it’s everywhere, it’s inexorable, and it makes the rest of us fear for our lives. Don’t ask me why theater kids are so touchy-feely, because I don’t know. Maybe it’s because someone popped their personal bubble, maybe they’re all Italian, or maybe they took the whole “hugs not drugs” thing a little too literally All I know is that some of these kids don’t understand the concept of personal space.

Many thespians audition for pop choir, a seemingly sheltered and secure extracurricular for those of us songbirds who search for a home where it is socially acceptable to have constant jazz hands and break into tone deaf musical numbers without the judgement of our relatively sane peers. What Stockhaus didn’t mention during pop choir auditions was the multiplicity of upperclassmen who will target you as their “bae” and hug you, but won’t pull a Frozen, and let it go. Come on guys, conceal don’t feel.

Not a day goes by where I can safely go through the entire homeroom without being engulfed in an embrace. One moment I’ll be listening to the morning announcements, the next, a trained assassin goes all Adele on me and just turns up out of the blue, uninvited, and squeezes out both of my kidneys.

The Hugger Games: the spawn of satan and deprived theater kids, forms a creative outlet for said thespians to hug you more than they already do. This is a legitimate and tremendously frightening activity, and I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Unlike the Hunger Games, in the Hugger Games there are no winners.

If you’re part of the drama department, you should be familiar with the archetypes living within the hug lyfe. First of all, there is the Hopeless Romantic, as in this thespian’s love life is so hopeless that even Dr. Love couldn’t save this poor, unfortunate soul. The Hopeless Romantic knows that you don’t want him or her within 50 feet of you, let alone snuggled up to your armpit. The Hopeless Romantic knows he or she is not Ryan Gosling or Alex from Target, but he attempts to get all up in your grill anyway. The Hopeless Romantic is aware that you filed a restraining order last September, but he is all too persistent to hug a fellow bro.

The second archetype is the Senior Cougar. The Senior Cougars are basically a cult comprised of the most desperate thespians of the class of 2015. The cougars prowl their natural habitat of the freshman hallway in search of frosh prey. Senior Cougars are easily identified because they’re constantly carrying a Starbucks beverage and a pair of binoculars. Be careful, because Senior Cougars bite and aren’t afraid to slide into your DMs, as they always tend to slide out of their exhibit at the zoo.

The last archetype that lives the hug lyfe is the Open Relationship Couple. These couples are the polygamists of high school relationships, but less scandalous than polygamists because they just hug people other than their soul mate of two months and join communal cuddle puddles backstage during Tech Week. These couples’ lack of commitment baffles us almost as much as it nauseates us. Their relationship makes the rest of us thespians uncomfortable and frankly, fear for our lives. Someone needs to tell them that this ain’t Sister Wives and to check themselves before they wreck themselves. In the words of Raven Symoné, “you nasty.”