Well guys, it’s that time of year again. The temperature is dropping, the leaves are falling, and many beautiful, single girls just happen to need a date to the Homecoming dance.
If you’re anything like myself, the Cinderella slipper doesn’t ever seem to fit when you enter these awkward male-female interactions the popular kids thrive at.
But you finally get the courage to ask that special girl you’ve had your eye on for the last two weeks and you have a grand plan that absolutely cannot fail. You nonchalantly walk up and lean on the locker next to her (make sure you put on deodorant that morning, otherwise pit stains may be an issue), and confidently ask her to the dance.
“Sorry, what did you say? And what’s your name again?” she asks annoyed. “Um, I’m, uh, Will Jarvis, and I was just kinda wondering if you wanted to go to Homecoming with me?”
You don’t even hear the answer, but the facial expressions of her and everyone surrounding you give the answer away immediately: “No way!” A ringing sound overcomes you, and a numbness begins in your toes, working its way up to your head within a matter of seconds. Thus begins the five stages of grief after being denied a date to Homecoming.
DENIAL (no pun intended)
You walk silently away, almost possessed. You can’t feel anything in your body, and your face burns red as you stroll down the busy hallway. Despite all this traffic, though, you’ve never felt so alone. As you open your locker, an epiphany hits you: she didn’t actually just say no! “I was just imagining that!” you think. Or maybe she’s just pulling this “play hard to get” strategy you’ve seen after watching all five seasons of “Gossip Girl.” You are in denial my friend, and this first step of grief is inevitable.
ANGER
Walking out of school, a sudden anger comes over you. You hate everything in sight. Even going home and watching your favorite show, “Pretty Little Liars,” doesn’t make you feel better. Mom even makes Kraft Mac n’ Cheese (the ones with Scooby Doo characters), which just makes you angrier as Fred and Daphne remind you of your failed attempt at love.
With all this anger building up inside, you may want to take revenge by asking her best friend to Homecoming. DO NOT DO THIS! By performing this action, you will most likely end up back in the first stage of getting denied.
BARGAINING
You open up your Macbook ready to angrily finish your homework, but you just have to make a quick pitstop on Facebook. Well, she’s online, and now you have yourself a bit of a conundrum.
By all means, don’t chat her and plead. I’ve heard the same lines used over and over trying to change the girl’s mind: “I’ll pay for dinner!” Well, yeah…that’s what the guy always does. “You can totally ditch me at the dance!” Believe me, I’ve seen this happen, and it’s actually worse than having no date at all. Don’t plead to change her mind because it simply will not work.
DEPRESSION
It finally hits you that you have no date to the big dance, and you’ve never felt worse. Try not to sob in public places such as the commons or Great Hall. Opt for a more private setting, like that one stall in the men’s restroom (yes, you know which one), or Ms. Roushar’s room during 8th hour (she never judges).
Once you get home, make a quick run to the grocery store for a pint of Cherry Garcia and see if RedBox has “Legally Blonde” in stock. Sob your eyes out, and repeat for the next three nights if necessary.
ACCEPTANCE
Congratulations, you’ve reached the final stage of grief: acceptance. You can now finally accept the fact that you don’t have a date, but hey, it’s not the end of the world. Just think about it this way: you don’t have to buy another ticket, invest in a corsage, or pay for an overpriced dinner that tastes mediocre at best.
Coming from the guy who’s never even had a Homecoming date, you’ll still have a great time… unless you end up sobbing in the middle of the dance floor like I did freshman year as “My First Kiss” by 3OH3 played ironically.
It’s all over now, friend. Many young men have gone through these five stages of grief in their high school careers and will continue to do so in years to come. Guys, don’t let this one experience discourage you from future female interactions. Plus, going to Homecoming stag is actually quite a good time, so throw on a pink tuxedo vest and bow tie, and go get ‘em champ.
