All my life, I have always had an abundance of love along with religion. My mom is Catholic, and my father is Jewish and they raised me in one household while maintaining both of their own traditions. As my sister and I grew up, this created an untraditional environment because we celebrated all of the Jewish holidays along with some of the Catholic ones. Instead of having it all flow together as one might think, it created a duality in my life. I lived in two separate worlds; one where I was Jewish and the other where I was Catholic.
As my hands pound the kreplach dough, the scent of freshly made applesauce fills my grandmother’s house and a smile forms on my face. I think about how I do this task mindlessly because I have been making this traditional Jewish food: ground beef packed inside a noodle and then placed in soup resembling a dumpling since I could walk. I was raised to be Jewish. My parents put me into a Hebrew school that I attended once a week, where I learned Hebrew, how to pray, and the Torah. That was in preparation for my Bat Mitzvah, which took place in Israel when I was 13 years old. Around this time, we still celebrated Christmas and Easter, but it was overshadowed by the Jewish holidays. We received presents for Christmas, but we always ate Chinese food and went to the movies on Christmas instead of a traditional Christmas dinner. That was the start of my unorthodox traditions. As a child, I took pride in my unique upbringing because I felt like I was special, but as I got older that was no longer true. I was always told how “lucky” I was to get double the presents for Hanukkah and Christmas, while in reality, I felt like an outsider; I wasn’t fully Catholic or Jewish, so where did I fit in?
After I was Bat Mitzvahed, my parents left it up to me what religion I would be. In the midst of this important decision, I transferred to BSM, which is a Catholic high school, in my mind, I made a definitive decision to be Catholic. I tried my best to keep my Jewish upbringing a well-hidden secret because I wanted to fit in and not have to worry about the difference in my religion. When the morning prayer came on I was taken off guard when the students quickly made a cross, touching their forehead then right and left shoulder. I spastically tried to copy their movements. I went home that night and asked my mom to teach me more about the Catholic faith, so I would be more aware of what is going on around me at school. My first mass was an out-of-body experience; I again tried to copy those around me. Once I mastered what I thought I needed to know about Catholicism, I thought my Jewish identity would never be revealed. Even though I did everything in my power to not feel out of place, as I had for the majority of my life, when it came to the holidays I was always confronted with my unconventional ways of celebrating. When teachers asked about Christmas I lied and matched the answers of those around me, to not cause a scene because my Christmas traditions aren’t as extravagant as my peers; I don’t even have a Christmas tree in my house. Embarrassment burned my insides, as I lied through my teeth. I was scared someone knew my secret and was going to tell the teacher, which would lead to further embarrassment. At times, I still face this challenge of what to reveal to teachers and students, but now I choose not to lie and while it might not match the answers of my classmates I tell the truth.
Both sides of my religion are important to me and I try to nurture both. My Catholic identity is public and my Jewish identity is more private. I’ve never revealed the true extent of my Jewish identity to anyone not even my closest friends. I am not ashamed that I can recite Jewish blessings, light the menorah for the eight nights of Hannukah, or look for the Afikomen for Passover, but I suppressed this part of myself to align with those around me. In a way, I don’t need those around me to know this because it is personal, and a part of myself that only I need to understand. As a now 18-year-old I have learned to enjoy my family’s traditions instead of resenting them like I did previously. I enjoy my complicated religious life that many won’t accept because it isn’t straightforward, but it’s what makes me, me. I haven’t completely figured out how to deal with this duality in my life, or how I will handle it in the future, but for now, I am thankful I can celebrate the holidays with my family in our own special way.