Despite Working “Smarter, Not Harder” Students Still Find Themselves Struggling to Stay Afloat [satire]


Aidan Marks

Senior Max Jackson cheats on an English essay.

In the midst of an unprecedented wave of cheating scandals throughout BSM, recent polling data found that a growing number of students are working “smarter, not harder” but still find themselves falling short of success.

A series of recent polls conducted by the Marks Center for Academic Research found that although self-reported academic dishonesty increased by 12% this year, performance compared to class averages only increased by an average of 3%. These results add to a mounting body of evidence that BSM students, while cheating more frequently, are also doing so less effectively.

To find out why, we reached out to teachers at BSM. Teachers surveyed overwhelmingly attribute the decline in cheating efficacy to a lack of creativity and dedication. “Back in my day, students really cared about grades. So when we – I mean, other students – cheated, we – I mean, they – made sure to do it well and get the best grade possible,” English teacher Jane Doe said.

Doe continued, noting that current students are cheating in more obvious ways than previous generations. “I’m not going to give away any secrets, but cheaters were really creative when I was a kid. Now, they just take a picture of the test with their phone or copy information down from websites online,” Doe said.

To be frank, we need to step up our game. If people are cheating and still getting Bs and Cs then they’re doing something wrong

— John Doe

Further analysis by the Marks Center corroborates these claims, as cheaters at BSM are also being caught at record levels. In fact, a shocking 37% of all cheating violations (determined by self-report statistics) are eventually discovered by teachers.

This is highly distressing to Math teacher John Doe who says BSM’s current cheaters are doing a disservice to the practice. “If you’re going to cheat, do it properly. All these kids getting caught, and the fact that people aren’t even benefitting, really puts academic dishonesty to shame,” Doe said.

Ultimately, teachers and students alike can agree on one thing: if you’re going to cheat, do it well. “To be frank, we need to step up our game. If people are cheating and still getting Bs and Cs then they’re doing something wrong,” senior James Doe said.