My brother is a big milk guy if you know what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter the time, the place, or the situation; when in doubt, the kid will always choose milk as his go-to beverage. I have seen him chug not only glasses but full quarts of milk straight from the carton–after which he shamelessly wipes his mouth as if everything about the situation is entirely normal. Though, I don’t blame him for this; I blame our Swedish heritage. According to the Washington Post, Sweden consumes more milk than any other country. In fact, on average, people in Sweden consume twelve or more ounces of milk per day. And considering how small those European portion sizes are, that’s a lot of milk.

Recently, I decided I would embrace my Swedish roots (is Christenson not a dead giveaway?) by sampling various types of milk. And I decided no one would make a better “drinking companion” (via FaceTime, of course) than my older, milk-loving brother.

Milk #1: 2% Milk

Grace Christenson: There’s something very Midwestern about milk. I feel like it’s sort of our thing. I don’t know what they drink in New York or California, but they probably don’t do milk like we do milk.

Peter Christenson: Definitely. Potatoes and milk are classic Midwestern diet staples. And everyone knows Californians aren’t allowed to drink anything because of the drought, Grace. You’re so uncultured.

GC: The 2% tastes kind of sweet. I feel like they put some Sweet’N’Low in here. 

PC: Sweet’N’ Low? It’s milk; it isn’t coffee.

GC: I know, but it still has some sweetness to it.

PC: That’s true. Land’O’Lakes for sure pumps their milk with additives. I go to school in Wisconsin; I know these things.

GC: It’s thick, too.

PC: Don’t be gross.

GC: No, but it feels heavy.

PC: Maybe it’s the Sweet’N’Low.

Milk #2: 1% Milk

GC: I know there’s 1% and 2% milk. But I don’t know what that means. Like, 1% of what?

PC: It means 1% fat. Like, from the cow.

GC: But can that be applied to goat’s milk then? ‘Cause I never hear about 2% goat’s milk.

PC: I’m assuming 2% goat’s milk is a thing. It would be discrimination not to have 2% goat’s milk. That’s offensive to the goats.

GC: But don’t you think goat’s milk, in general, is like “milk appropriation?”

PC: What do you mean?

GC: Because milk is normally supposed to come from cows. Milk is, like, a part of “cow culture.”

PC: I guess. But maybe it’s more like “cow appropriation.”

GC: Same thing.

PC: I hate what this generation has done to us.

GC: This one doesn’t taste as sweet.

PC: Yeah…I’m not sure if I like how sweet the other one was.

GC: Right? I feel like if I put it in someone’s coffee, they’d think it was Coffee Mate.

PC: If you put in my coffee, I’d think it was poison.

GC: I think I like the 1% more.

PC: Agreed.

Milk #3: Soy Milk

GC: Disgusting. Look at that discoloration. It’s not even white, it’s beige.

PC: It’s soy.

GC: Did you see how thick it was when I poured it?

PC: Yeah, that was nasty.

GC: I don’t even want to taste this one.

PC: It doesn’t taste that bad. It tastes kind of like vanilla.

GC: Oh, my God. That tastes so gross. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

PC: (Laughs)

GC: I need to wash my mouth out. That is so bad. How can you drink that?

PC: It’s sweet but not too sweet. Like, this would be a good drink to have after or before a workout. I can literally taste the protein.

GC: Oh, disgusting! That is so gross.

PC: And I like how easy it is. I feel like I’ve been doing it all wrong, you know? I’ve spent so much on protein powder. Maybe I should switch to soy milk.

GC: Are you being serious?

PC: Yeah. Why? Did you not like it?

Milk #4: Chocolate Milk

PC: When you were a kid, did you think chocolate milk came from brown cows?

GC: Yes, absolutely. Didn’t you?

PC: Of course. To this day, I think an argument could be made that it would make sense that, of all the cows, the brown cows would be most likely to produce chocolate milk because of their coloring.

GC: This tastes so much better than that soy milk. Very chocolatey, but not too chocolatey. It doesn’t feel like it’s compensating for anything.

PC: The soy milk was not that bad. Your taste buds just aren’t sophisticated enough to appreciate it.

GC: What?

PC: This whole process has been very telling.

Milk #5: Almond Milk

GC: You know I heard that almond milk doesn’t go bad.

PC: Get outta town.

GC: Right? I was like that’s insane.

PC: I was being sarcastic, Grace. I don’t care.

GC: This looks like normal milk to me. I like that it wasn’t thick like some of the others but not too thin. It’s not like watery if you know what I mean.

PC: Thin milk is just disgusting. Not nearly as satisfying as a nice glass of milk whose thickness you can trust.

GC: You know, I’m not really craving the sweetness of it.

PC: It would be a good in a smoothie though.

GC: It tastes really warm to me.

PC: Maybe try refrigerating it?

GC: I’m confused as to how the almonds produce milk. Because when I eat almonds, they never have a milky center.

PC: You soak them. Then you rinse them. Then you stick them in a blender…I don’t know. I’m not the person you should ask.

GC: Would you ever make your own almond milk?

PC: Depends on how long I have to soak the almonds for. And how expensive the almonds are. You’ll understand one day when you’re older.

GC: True. I bet it takes a long time to milk the almonds.

PC: You sounded so dumb saying that.

Follow Up Questions

GC: Of all the milks, which one did you prefer?

PC: The 1%, obviously. I’m a simple guy. I like simple milk.

GC: Same, same.

PC: Which one did you like the least?

GC: The soy milk experience was traumatic for me.

PC: It wasn’t that bad. It just tasted like protein powder to me.

GC: I just don’t like the idea of people drinking soy milk. Like if you’re trying to start a milk fad, don’t. Millennials don’t care about milk. You guys are all about the avocado toast and Kombucha.

PC: That’s fair. The only millennials I know who drink soy milk on a daily basis are the ones I suspect of having a made-up gluten allergy. But I didn’t think it was bad.

GC: I didn’t think the 2% milk was that great either.

PC: That’s because the milk was old. It was in the fridge at Mom’s house that should’ve been a sign, Grace.

GC: How did you know it was old?

PC: Because I remember when she bought it…in July.

GC: Ew. Why didn’t you say anything?

PC: Why are you blaming for me your inability to read expiration dates?

GC: Let’s just move on. Do your roommates know about your milk obsession?

PC: I wouldn’t call it an obsession…But yes, they know I feel strongly about milk.

GC: How has milk benefited your life?

PC: I mean, I’m built because I consume a lot of calcium and I exercise. You don’t consume any calcium and I’ve seen you exercise like twice. That’s why you lack the physical strength of most girls your age.

GC: ….

PC: As your older brother, it’s my job to tell you these things.

GC: Okay…Last question: How glad are you that I didn’t make us drink skim milk?

PC: Honestly, I wouldn’t have agreed to this if you did.