Four brave hours in Costco
March 10, 2016
Not many people can handle the intensity that only a wholesale kingdom of supply goods can offer, but four juniors, Claudia Elsenbast, Lucas Latterell, Nick Bolin, and Lizzie Ambre, decided to take on the biggest beast of all mega stores: Costo. These brave souls embarked on an adventure not many have pursued, or thought of pursuing. Many say four hours spent in Costco brings a slow death to those who try, but these four BSM students put that rumor to rest; these are their stories (dun-dun).
2:30 We arrive at the Mecca of mass supply goods.
2:40 We finally find a parking spot.
2:41 Just kidding there was a smart car in the spot.
2:43 Is that spot open? Nope, motorcycle.
2:45 WHERE IS THE PARKING?
3:00 We parked.
3:15 We travel through the sprawling acres of mini vans and sensible mid-sized Sedans.
3:21 We reach the security check, my palms sweat as the middle aged man checks my mom’s Costco card. I feel like I’m using a fake I.D. I don’t make eye contact while I push my obscenely sized grocery cart past the pearly gates of the promised land.
3:23 Am I in heaven? Jesus is that you? Nope, just a scruffy sales clerk named Ben. Darn it.
3:26 I put my hands over my eyes as they adjust to the vibrant lights shining down upon me.
3:30 There is a basketball hoop, but no basketballs. This doesn’t stop Nick Bolin as he dunks on us four times, each time with new finesse.
3:40 There. Is. So. Much. Stuff.
3:48 SAMPLES YES OH BOY SAMPLES.
3:51 So many small portioned foods: weird coconut flavored coffee samples, Jack’s Pizza samples, spicy wings we mistake for honey BBQ wings. The list goes on.
3:55 WINTER COATS WHAT MAN?
4:00 This is a soft coat, nice job COSTCO.
4:01 COSTCO MORE LIKE COST GO.
4:02 I know that mom. And that one. And that man coached my 5 year old recreational soccer team.
4:05 Running into that mom you babysat for last year. Her kids made you cry.
4:05 – 4:10 *Hides behind bulk pistachios*
4:10 Dang pistachios are expensive.
4:10 BUT YOU CAN GET 20 TONS AT COSTCO.
4:11 Ugh so much walking.
4:12 *sits in middle of aisle*
4:20 *Gets up because too many moms are looking at me like I need a jacket*
4:25 You can get diamonds at Costco (@FutureHusband) What if you got married at Costco?
This is what America is all about.”
— four enlightened juniors
4:27 This is what America is all about.
4:28 I would like to work here.
4:29 No, I would like to live here.
4:30 It’s so bright.
4:31 I am going blind.
4:31 Good thing I can buy glasses here.
4:35 IT’S ONE OF THE ABSURDLY LARGE TEDDY BEARS.
4:35 It’s 60 dollars.
4:35 Eh we don’t need college let’s get twenty.
4:40 DUDE MORE SAMPLES.
4:50 This store is gigantic. It’s so big. Will I ever see the sun again? Is this how it ends? Am I seeing the light at the end of a tunnel or is that the absurd amount of fluorescent lighting ? What if I only want one of something? Why do they sell so much? BULK UGH.
4:51 I need a seat. *I find refuge in a cushy leather couch, that is also sold in bulk.*
4:55 “If I just lay here, would lie with me and just forget the words”
4:58 Wow, this is genuine leather.
5:00 I can leave Costco in an hour and a half.
5:01 Let’s go boys.
5:05 You could totally fit a small nation in Costco .
5:10 Well maybe not a nation, but definitely all of my Facebook friends.
5:12 I wonder how they are doing.
5:15 What, Costco sells tires? My tire pressure is low.
5:20 I should really get that checked out.
5:45 Ah I’ve been here for a long time.
6:00 I trek over to the food court in need of nourishment.
6:15 WOW THIS IS AFFORDABLE!
6:16 @Taher Costco tells pizza for less than you.
6:16-30 I enjoy my food slowly and realize I HAVE BEEN IN COSTCO FOR FOUR HOURS.
6:30 It’s over. This is the end we can leave. We’re free.
Adventures like these are the experiences of a lifetime. Not every child is born with the privilege of having a Costco membership, let alone the pleasure of spending four hours within it. Throughout the four hours we were consecrated by the hallowed halls of this storage warehouse and awed by the sheer mass supply of pistachios that one can buy.