It’s that time of year again. I know that each one of you are fully aware that each of your finals has the potential to absolutely tank your grade in every one of your classes, and send you back to kindergarten. Every teacher is licking their chops at the opportunity to send home students crying to their mothers after merely glancing at their respective tests. It is common knowledge that the primary goal of finals is to stress students out as much as possible, so your friends here at the Knight Errant has developed a number of Terrible Tips for Finals, to minimize your stress and maximize your grades!

First of all, open your binder. Remove any study guide that was provided by your teacher. Throw this forcefully into the trash. Teachers claim that this study guide covers all the information that will be covered in the semester. This is a trap. Your teachers are trying to trick you into studying false information, then put completely different information on the test. Also look out for multiple choice questions with three to four correct answers, which are also a classic on BSM finals.

Next, if any of your teachers or LINK Crew reps have told you “don’t stress too much over finals,” or “make sure to get a good night sleep,” or “eat a good breakfast,” erase this from your memory by any means possible. Think Spongebob Squarepants season 3, episode 48b. When it comes to finals, if you aren’t up all night stressing, you haven’t prepared enough, so I advise that you spend the rest of your night cramming. As for breakfast, in all likelihood, your nerves will compel you to vomit, so it’s really better to not eat anything at all until finals week is over.

This brings us to our next tip: cramming is the only sure way to ace every one of your finals. Studies show that the human brain retains the most information at one in the morning, the night before the information must be regurgitated onto a cumulative exam. Trust me, my mother is a psychologist. As a senior, I have taken six sets of finals so far, and the only way I study is the night before. While cramming, make sure you are consuming the best possible nutrients and supplements. My meal of choice is a Big Gulp filled with Red Bull, chocolate chip cookies, and twenty dollars worth of Doritos Locos Tacos.

If you follow every one of these tips religiously, you may have a chance of walking away from finals with every limb intact.