Dear Doc,

I just wanted to say thank you for your previous words of wisdom. They helped me close on the girl I love. Now that soccer season is over we have spent more time together, and I think sliding into her DMs really showed that I cared. I just have one, final question: How do I break up with her? Sincerely, Kicking Her to the Curb

Dear Kicking Her to the Curb,

I appreciate you writing me back, and I am glad you used what I taught you, although I am shocked that you already want to break up with this girl. From what you said in your last letter, she seemed like quite the steal, but that’s beside the point.

Breaking up with someone is no easy task, but if you listen to what I have to say it shouldn’t be too painful. If you stray from my instructions, however, you will have absolutely no idea what’s happening to you. We’re talking almost total delirium.

What I’ve learned from past experiences is always try to break up with the girl over the phone first. It almost never works, but it’s worth it so you can avoid eye-contact. Texting works too, but make sure you have your Read Receipts turned off. You don’t want her to see that you directly acknowledged her loaded question and didn’t respond immediately.

If none of this works, you’ll be forced to muster up some courage and end the relationship face-to-face. Sadly, becoming invisible is not an option. As much as you’d like to slip on the One Ring like Frodo every time you see her in the hallway, it’s just not feasible.

Nor can you likely fake your own death, so leaving her thinking you died in a fatal accident might not work as well as you think, considering you both go to school together. That said, if you do by chance pull it off, that would be quite impressive.

But, at the end of the day, offer some closure by telling her why you’re leaving and see no future with her. Follow these instructions and hopefully this girl will be out of your life, forever.

Your friend, 

Dr. Love