Dear Doc,

There is this girl I like, and I really want her to fall in love with me. She is on the girls’ soccer team, and I am on the boys’ soccer team, so I feel like we would make a superb match. I thought that maybe we had something going on and that she liked me, but lately it seems like her heart is somewhere else. I’ve tried so desperately to get her attention, but nothing seems to rekindle that long lost flame. Just last night, I snapchatted her several times, yet no response. Is it the way I smell? Doctor Love, this is my last shot with this girl, and I can’t blow it. How can I get this girl to fall in love with me?

Sincerely, Kicked to the Curb

Dear Kicked to the Curb,

Congratulations for being the first person to actually write me a question. First things first, I have to tell you that you can’t forcefully “make” a girl fall in love with you. That’s a federal crime. You can, however, influence her decision.

I’m guessing this girl gets a lot of attention from other guys, so playing hard to get is basically out of the picture. You need to beat out all the competition to win over this girl’s heart. Show no mercy when dealing with these other bachelors; all is fair in love and war, and this is a little of both.

Getting this girl’s attention is the primary goal. There are millions of different approaches to this, but the best and most effective strategy is called, “Sliding into her DMs.” Although completely direct, this strategy can easily be thought of as creepy or scummy, so you need to play your cards right and not come off too strong.

A crafty way to start a conversation is ask her what you had for math homework. Something like, “Hey, my Haiku is broken, what were the problems we had to do for precalc tonight?” On the surface, it seems so innocent, but what she doesn’t know is that you have an arsenal of unused pickup lines ready to be dished out anytime in rapid succession.

To give you a good idea, a few appropriate follow up responses after your initial question could be, “What’s up?” “You doing anything tomorrow?” “I love you.” Any of these tried and true lines will pique the interest of your girl, and if you follow my advice, you will become a master in, “Sliding into her DMs.”

I hope this helps you on your journey of love, and I assure you this is 100 percent foolproof, unless you’re a fool and mess it up. Just remember everything I mentioned in this letter, and you’ll be golden.

Your friend,

Dr. Love