The final(s) straw

A message from all the coffee guzzlers and last-minute crammers


Taya Rettler

Sophomore Sarah Letscher toils over her semester-old notes and study guides

Finals are rolling around and you know what that means: an endless list of study tips and tricks to get you through the week. Well, as far as I’m concerned, students can be divided into two distinct groups of studiers: those who start hitting the books for finals two weeks before teachers mention their existence, and those who are lucky to begin cramming two days before the tests are handed out. I am here to fight for the latter, because as much as you think your study habits will give us the inspiration to turn a new leaf come finals week, it won’t.

Stop telling me how to study. I know my study habits will never measure up to that of the flashcard-bearing brainiac who hasn’t left his house in the past two weeks. I realize that you have created thousands of geniuses, and that you would be happy to send them to me, but I will not be happy to receive them. I will never, ever use them.

Stop telling me how to eat during finals week. Don’t lecture me about how your kale smoothie gives you so much energy that you don’t even need to drink coffee. While you might be above shooting a 5-Hour Energy to keep you awake for an all-nighter, I am not. And I will feast on the five-year-old Cheetoes I found in the back of my kitchen cabinet so long as they keep me sustained for the next three days. When those dreaded days at last arrive, and you are sitting with your sharpened pencils and perfectly cut sweet bell peppers to crunch on in between tests, don’t you dare give me the side-eye when I show up with a pack of Taher cookies and a mechanical pencil I found on the floor.

These study habits are forever mine, and no matter how many scientific works you shove in my face about how blueberries improve your memory, or studying in small increments helps you succeed on a test, they are not going to change.