The definitive ranking of BSM water fountains

A guide for all gasping gullets

Gunnar Lundberg, Alec Lawrenz, and Keara Clacko

As the days become longer and the heat index spikes, students often seek the comfort of a cool sip of water from one of the many selections of drinking fountains offered at BSM. But with so many to choose from, not all can claim the title of Most Popular Water Fountain. From dirty drains, leaky fountains, horrible locations and warm, iron-laced water, some drinking fountains are borderline toxic. But for all those students out there questioning the quality of their favorite fountain, we’re here to help you find the most prime locations, exquisite waters, and pristine drinking fountains in the school. This is the definitive ranking of the BSM water fountains. Choose wisely.

9. The North Building Drinking Fountain
Undoubtedly the worst fountain BSM has to offer. Showcasing a miniscule button that could only fit the finger of a Little Knight and its decrepit location compressed tightly between two horribly cracked brick walls, this drinking fountain has a special touch of having water that tastes of pure liquid metal. At least you get your daily intake of iron after walking the distance of a cross country practice there and back.

8. Haben Center: Boy’s locker room Drinking Fountain
Not only does this drinking fountain not feature a Hydration Station for students toiling away in gym classes, but also the weak trickle of water will frustrate any parched athlete who dares to attempt a sip. The unmerciful treatment this fountain is given will turn anyone away, as seen often by the chewed-gum remnants stuck to its surface.

7. Haben Center: Lobby Drinking Fountain
After a hard day of bocce ball and frisbee golf, the Wellness student often praises the metallic angel known as the Hydration Station. Yes, this may be an appeal of this particular drinking fountain, however after filling up their water bottles, students are met with the sad truth of warm, unrefreshing water.

6. Double Drinking Fountains
Colloquially dubbed the“his and her” fountains, these paired fountains are ironically quite the struggle for two people to share. If one begins running before the other, it drastically decreases the amount of water spouting from the second. It looks as if the “his and her” fountains are more like the “his then her” fountains.

5. Theater Hallway Fountains
Another set of dual drinking fountains, these babies have their own surprising characteristics: fluctuating temperature water due to toilet flushing not to mention a leaky bowl to soak your precious Sperries. Sounds like a fun time, right?

4. Choir Room Drinking Fountain
One of the more forgotten drinking fountains due to its off-the-grid location within a classroom, the choir room drinking fountain is nice for any vocalist to have a nearby thirst-quencher. This fountain’s water has a soothing temperature, but that could be easily overlooked when one attempts a drink and is met with a cold blast of water up their nostrils. If you’re really lucky, though, you might get it in your eye.

3. Junior High Drinking Fountains
Located in the abandoned territory of the junior high hallway, these fountains supply cool temperatures for the water and even a hydration station for empty water bottles. If you want a drink, though, you’ll have to kneel on the cold tiled floor. These drinking fountains are too low for any student over two feet tall.

2. Freshman Hallway Drinking Fountains
Drinking fountains we all have come to know and love, but never return to. Why? Freshmen. Who wants to go back to the freshmen? Not even a person holding out for just a drip of water would want to relive the walks of shame they experienced during their “freshie” years. It was a nightmare for all, and these drinking fountains should be left in that dark, dark time.

1. Chapel Drinking Fountain
There’s no surprise here: the best drinking fountain is naturally on holy ground. Legend says that these waters were blessed by angels the day it was constructed. Found in a non-traffic location, this fountain features cold temperatures, clean floors, and the quiet serenity of the chapel nearby, which makes quenching one’s thirst an even more spiritual experience.