Surviving public displays of affection

Single Red Knights constantly find themselves surrounded by sickeningly sweet couples engaging in PDA. From entertaining to nauseating, PDA comes in many forms.

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Grace Coughlin

Innocent bystanders must uncomfortably wait for a PDA-ing couple to pass before getting to their locker.

Molly Eldevik and Taylor Rogers

There’s nothing better than struggling to sandwich through love-blind couples blocking classroom doorways and pretending not to notice passionate make-out sessions in the basement––not to mention those uncomfortable freshman lovers that drift through the theater hallway. Call me biased because I’m not in a relationship, but my lack of human contact with the male species does not affect the legitimacy of my thoughts on PDA at school. PDA between couples has become a common sight, and while it can sometimes serve as entertainment, it’s mostly just irritating.

In an effort to make it to class on time, most students take shortcuts through the theater hallway, more often than not resulting in the “awkward theater walk.” You are almost always guaranteed to see an intensely passionate couple making out on the hallway bench in the middle of their free hour. You try your best to keep your head down, walking as quickly as you can. You act like you didn’t even see anything, but the silence of the hallway only makes the experience even more awkward. Suddenly this silence is broken as you begin to hear the couple’s vomit-inducing banter. “I love you!” the guy coos; the girl replying with, “No, I love you more!” I guarantee they will not even notice you walking by because they’re in their own little world.

Another common occurrence is the annoying couples that walk to class together. They walk side by side, enchanted by each other’s presence, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes and giggling even though no one said anything funny. As they approach the doorway, they realize that they have to be separated for an entire 40 minutes, which, judging by their reaction, might as well be a millenium. Then they say a somber goodbye, as if going off to war. It’s like watching a romantic comedy, minus the romance and the comedy (and a lot more pathetic).

One of the strangest public displays of affection is couples who give each other massages. Last time I checked, this was a Catholic high school, not a spa. I can’t imagine something more awkward than sitting at my desk, trying to learn, while someone comes up behind me and starts giving me a passionate shiatsu massage. I’m sure it feels great, but it’s making everyone else feel uncomfortable. Go get a room, or maybe a spa reservation.

And then there are the most unfortunate experiences, when your locker happens to be placed next to someone in a serious relationship. You stand in frustration while the couple blocks the lockers. Now you’re not only late for class, but you’ll have to stop by Target on your way home for some Purell to clean their germs off your locker.

Maybe I’ll see things differently once I have more experience with the Y chromosome, but I don’t know that I’ll ever understand the joined-at-the-hip passion of these Romeos and Juliets. To all the PDA-ers out there: I wish you well, but try to keep away from my locker.