As I scrambled through a pillowcase full of Halloween candy, I chose a fun-sized bar at random and quickly opened the wrapper without looking at what I was about to eat. Feeling my teeth crunch into this candy was not only unpleasant, but crusty and disgusting. I do not like ALMOND JOYS––if anything, these “joyful almonds” left me gagging and spitting out any residue of the almonds left on my tongue.

Who ever thought it would be a good idea to give children toothbrushes for Halloween? In all honesty, who would think children want to walk around in the dark, cold, creepy night of Halloween to get a toothbrush?

I kid you not, what I’m about to tell you actually happened––my mom did it one year (this year). I wish I were kidding, but in all seriousness my mother went to Whole Foods of all places for Halloween candy. Organic, sugar-free, Halloween candy that no one was going to eat.

The point of Halloween is to gather as much candy as one can possibly handle, haul it home, and eat it until it’s all gone, and try not to puke. But nowadays, with the idea of “healthy” Halloween candy, I was left with only about half of the candy I actually liked, while the rest of the “candy” contained apples, pencils, pencil sharpeners, tooth brushes, and what I think might’ve been cough drops.

Now, don’t get me wrong, people tried to catch on that kids weren’t really into this health nut stuff, but I did not want to have a bottle of Gatorade as candy. Powerade, Gatorade, Red Bull, and Monster are not candy––but to say the least, they kept me awake.

All I want is to go back to the way it used to be, back when dentist offices were flushed with patients who had seven cavities needing to be filled just days after Halloween.