He-man woman haters club: no girls allowed

Shannon Galvin, Staff Writer

I have been trying to get into the Handsome Men’s Club, otherwise known as the HMC, since I was a little fresh-lady. Little did I know that getting tickets to a sold out Justin Bieber concert would’ve been a lot easier. Apparently to be a member of such an exclusive organization, one must be both handsome, and a man. Why would I want to be in a club specifically for men of the handsome variety? It’s quite simple, really––all my friends are guys.

My surplus of “X” chromosomes makes me different from my diverse group of “XY” brethren. I can see that they like leaving me out of their super secret manly agendas. It must be some sort of code when they say that the Bears dominated the Dolphins last night. Why would bears be at the beach? This question and many more are what I strive to answer in my quest for inclusion in the Handsome Men’s Club.

My first thought was that if I asked really nicely, my guy friends would love me in their club, but they just refused because I’m not a guy. I then realized I had to use my secret weapon: baking. I made two dozen pink cupcakes with little purple flowers on them, but for some odd reason, even that didn’t convince my friends that including me could have its advantages.

Why do my guy friends not want me in their club? I realize I’m not a guy, but woman without the “wo” is man so I’m about halfway there. Is it because I’m not… handsome enough? The very thought of my looks being the reason for my exclusion shocks me to the core. I happen to find myself very handsome, but that will not stop my guy friends from rejecting me from the HMC.

Now, the element of disguise is my only option. Like Mulan, I plan on cutting off all my hair and trying to pass as a man to get in the club. Granted, I’m not joining to save my father’s life, but rather to get a cool t-shirt. And for anyone who sees a John Smith on Facebook, add him. I bet “he’s” really cool.