Book 2: Hanging Out With Men

Book 2: Hanging Out With Men

Ryan Lawyer secretly does “crafts” like scrap-booking which is strictly forbidden by man code.

Ryan Lawyer, Staff Writer

It is a universally accepted truth that a civilized man acts differently than he would in the state of nature. Whether in the presence of a boss, a teacher, a coach, or even fellow peers, men cannot be themselves in today’s society. It is only in the natural habitat of men that they are permitted to act freely. Yet even this natural state requires some rules to ensure harmony and avoid the scourge of war.

Men must have a place. The manly ecosystem flourishes in dark rooms (usually basements) where video games, television, and other forms of technology sprout like dandelions. Simply put, wherever the TV is, a man cannot be far. This area is commonly referred to as the Man Cave.

Accompanying men will be some form of nutrition. The type of food varies based on the demographics of each man-clan; however, it generally follows the same format: meat, soda, meat, popcorn, more meat, and chips.

Whether it’s brushing up against each other playing ping-pong or sprawling out on a couch that’s only meant for three people, the men will inevitably be in close quarters at times. In order to avoid awkward situations, the men need to follow some rules.

1. It is imperative that men are comfortable with each other. They must be able to pick their nose, spit, burp, and fart without comments from the other men unless it is congratulatory for reaching new heights of offensiveness.

2. Men cannot have conversational boundaries. They must be able to discuss anything and everything, including women, school, athletics, family, and steak. Explicit details are required in order to ensure full understanding of each topic (especially women). However, under no circumstances can anything discussed in the Cave be uttered outside the Cave. It is understood that no recording devices are permitted in the Man Cave.

3. Men cannot do “crafts”––they must do “projects.” When not watching TV (preferably a sports game) or playing a game (preferably something violent) or making music (often involving methane), they must be doing one of these “projects.” Each project must involve an element of danger, including spinning blades, heavy objects, corrosive materials or fire. For instance, scrap-booking is not permitted, but suspending an engine block from creaky garage rafters while cutting away a sheared bolt near the fuel line with a blow torch, Rust-Oleum and a hacksaw earns full credit.