In the four long years of my high school career, I’ve been constantly searching out ways to stay awake during class and while doing homework. But this fall, I found my solution. It could mentally relax me and put my body at ease, much like Sun Salutation, and this bottle could suddenly take the weight off my backpack-less back. My handful of happiness is contained in the tiny little red bottle labeled “5 Hour Energy.”

I probably spend about twenty-five dollars a month on my addiction. It’s always nice to have a back-up plan for when I actually need to do the homework I’ve been procrastinating. Not to mention the boost it gave me in my cram sessions during finals week.

In all honesty, I have lost friendships and even potential boyfriends because of my attachment. One Friday night I was on a date, and while digging for my wallet to pay for my ticket, (the guys I date don’t believe in chivalry) I set my little bottle of joy on the counter. He glanced at it and said, “You actually drink that stuff? Do you know how bad that is for you?” Um, excuse me?

Throughout the movie, I continuously turned and stared at my date in pure disgust. He mistook my contempt-filled gaze for adoring glances at his admittedly god-like physique, while in reality I was replaying his horrid comment over and over in my head. I felt like he had crushed my soul with those two simple questions.

After the movie was over, he put his arm around me as we began to walk out of the dark theater. “What’d you think?” he asked. Well let me tell you what I think. 5 Hour Energy is the best beverage in the world and the fact that you even questioned it’s magnificence is not okay. I smirked at him and said, “It was fine, but I have to go. It’s been fun,” and walked out of Southdale, chugging a 5-hour energy. No way was I going to waste one more second of my life with someone unable to appreciate my one true love. What a moron.

So a lesson for all you small-minded, naturally caffeine-elitist people : I don’t like you. If you have a problem with 5 Hour Energy, I have a problem with you…