The hairier, the merrier

Ryan Lawyer, staff writer

What happened to the days of “the hairier, the merrier?” In recent years, bodily hair, of any sort, has been given a bad reputation. Men should embrace their God-given flow. Guys like Tom Selleck, ZZ top, Conan O’Brien, and even the guy from American Chopper know what facial hair is really about—power. If you can grow a powerful beard, you make women swoon, and you will strike fear into the hearts of other men.

Consider all the new “man-scaping” methods: Hair No More, that Smooth Away pad that “erases” hair, Moom, or even a good ole bottle of Nads. All of these products are aimed at denuding faces, ears, backs, bellies, legs, chests—and even the naughty bits. Such removal tools are part of a great conspiracy, a crime against nature.

Why has society come to believe that a little hair is a bad thing? It’s pride, pure and simple. Younger, muscular men have begun to shave their chests in attempt to show off their perky pectorals. How do they not see that looking like a 12-year-old can be career-limiting?

Take Conan O’Brien, for example. The guy has been a talk show host and a comedian for years, and he’s been pretty successful. He started off hosting “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” in 1993. But after modest success, the baby-faced Conan lost momentum, got outmaneuvered by Jay Leno, and was eventually fired.

After a few months of revelation and enlightenment, Conan embraced his qualities as a man and grew out a full, orange beard that would make an orangutan jealous. TBS hired him, gave him a new show, “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien,” and he’s been successful ever since.

So I urge you, fellow men. Forget all the personal grooming tips and take Conan’s lead. Fine, you might start off looking like you’ve got a bad case of chin moss, but stick with it and you too will feel the power. And boys, don’t be upset when someone calls you out for having a childish mane of peach fuzz. Put on some cheap sunglasses and grow out the brush like Tom Selleck. Let your whiskers do the talking like the dude from American Chopper.