Government regulated sugerplum dreams

Free candy you say? Why yes, I believe I will indulge if you don’t mind, just a few tasty morsels.

Wait. How did I just get free candy? Perhaps the man had recently robbed a candy store and was trying to get rid of the goods, or maybe he was planting the stolen items on me to throw the police off his trail. Have I been an accomplice to a crime?

No, who would want to rob a candy store; it is much too happy a place to be robbed. Then again, who simply gives away delicious candy…unless it was poisoned! I can see the headlines now, “Silly boy eats poison candy, suspect still at large.”

No, it tasted too good to be poisoned. Aha! I’ve got it now. That man was a government agent. It’s part of the new plan to try and make the country a happier place; the government has decided to give away candy to all its citizens.

What a marvelous plan! Surely everyone will be happy with some candy to brighten their day. I’m sure that these new candy agents will stop at nothing to ensure that everyone gets their candy.

What about the people who don’t like candy, what will happen to them? Will they be forced to eat it? What if they get angry about being forced to eat candy and form some sort of terrorist anti-candy group? They would almost assuredly attack the candy factories and companies, which would be protected by the government.

My word! This whole free candy business could start a terrible war it could tear our nation apart, not to mention all the cavities and liposuctions; dentists and plastic surgeons will be raking in the cash.

I’m suddenly so tired; the sugar, it’s wearing off so fast. This doesn’t make any sense, why would the government give away candy? I must be delusional from the sugar; I guess that it’s for the best that the government doesn’t give everyone candy, but it’s a beautiful dream.

Joe Kunitz, staff writer