This is just my luck. Just as I’ve finally taught myself to land my water bottle flips consistently, my God-given right to do so has been revoked. All those afternoons measuring out and testing ideal levels of water for the perfect flip and all of those nights I suffered from crippling arm cramps due to my endless flipping have now gone to waste. I don’t know what I expected really, to become Twitter famous for a breathtaking montage of flawless flips, or just to get a great snap story (possibly in slow motion)?

I could have been famous. I had just started practicing flips where the bottle would land on the cap. It’s not surprising that water-bottle flipping exploded the way it did. Once you start, it’s almost impossible to stop. One hangs on the possibility that the next flip will land perfectly, and if not that one, the next.

Are we being persecuted or is this legal?

• We are being persecuted!
• This is not legal.

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Truthfully, I think that if we had gotten Ms. Andersen to pick up a bottle, this all may have been avoided. If we had gotten her hooked, it would have spread throughout the entire faculty. Before you know it, you’re walking into your Morality class to find Ms. Shea flipping bottles onto desks while the class cheers her on. Soon enough even Father Tim is pausing his blessing of the Eucharist to flip a bottle of the communion wine.

Chaos would ensue, wars would start between countries because the Olympic bottle flipping event was rigged by Russia, and long story short, we could end up in a post-apocalyptic world where all that’s left is a barren wasteland marred by the occasional water bottle tumbling across the plains like a tumbleweed.

As you can clearly see, we the student community are being oppressed by this revocation of our basic bottle flipping rights and we must take action immediately to restore what has been lost.