The Schiks’ house, to me, is nothing more than a treacherous cavern that houses the world’s most atrocious, evil, and conniving cat: Smokey a.k.a. Fumar. This horrendously overweight gray cat has become one of my greatest fears.

Looking more like an electrocuted dog, Fumar scares almost anyone, but he has done more than frighten me. This cat or demon cat-dog has injured me both physically and emotionally. He’s haunted my dreams at night and has made my days at the Schiks’ house a living nightmare.

On a summer afternoon spent relaxing in the Schiks’ house, Kelsey and I decided to sit on the couch and watch TV. For some reason we were both at the house when the Schik family was not actually there, but at the time this didn’t bother us at all. That is, until, Fumar attacked.

My feet dangled over the edge of the couch and my eyes were fixed on the TV so I didn’t happen to notice Fumar strolling by. If I would have, this incident may never have occurred, for I would have pointed and shouted “get away you dang dog,” which would have immediately sent him running. But, because of my oblivion, Fumar managed to sink his fangs into my innocent big toe as he nonchalantly walked past the couch.

I raged with anger, wishing I had a pitchfork, but I decided to be the bigger person/creature and use my words instead of violence. This incident, however, marked the end of my civil relationship with Fumar.

From then on, Fumar was no more to me than an unwanted house rodent, and I proceeded to make that very clear. An ordinary Saturday night spent in the kingdom of this evil beast became a night of standing on the bed and refusing to get off until the “thing” was out of the basement, running away as the “monster” chased me in the kitchen, screaming demeaning insults at the hairy beast, and scoping out the scene before entering a room.

The worst part, though, was that my friend, the owner of the cat, didn’t understand why I thought the cat was the devil, up until recently at least. She too witnessed for herself, the monumental occasion when Fumar, the Lord of the Underworld, lunged from the floor onto the table, landing on Kelsey’s plate of pancakes. This proved that Fumar was a truly mythical evil beast.

My solution: Fumar should be kept on a leash.